Rahne Explains Chiron and the Chalkers... sort of.
by ShadowDrake
Summary: AU - Two Avengers are visiting X-Factor HQ in a parallel universe and make a startling discovery.


I know it defies Avenger and X-Factor canon - but I thought the scene too funny to pass up. Just pretend its set in an Alternate Universe where none of the stupid stuff happened. Like Rahne being bonded to Havok in a master/slave relationship. She joined the team another way - in which I can't think of at the moment and doesn't really matter since this is all just a mad little snippet that just popped into my mind one day out of boredom. All that you need to know is that X-Factor is still working for the US Government - Rahne still has her powers, and she is showing two Avengers, Crystal and the Scarlet Witch, around X-Factor's war room and they were looking at the villain database when mayhem happens.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters associated with X-Factor or the Avengers, they belong to Marvel Comic Groups and are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended - honest!  
  
Snippet: {Future scene in upcoming X-Factor Series}  
  
"Oh bloody 'ell... who put THAT in there?" Rahne half growled as she gave the main viewer a death glare, snarling silently at the four images that stared back at her, the large red letters under the pictures almost mocking her: "X-Factor's greatest enemies indeed," wondering just who she was going to have to hunt down and kill for putting the caption in the files like that.  
  
"Er... is there something you want to tell me, Rahney?" Wanda finally asked after staring at the main viewer for a long moment with one arched eyebrow a frown in her eyes as she tried to place the four super-villains on the screen before her. Although her mind kept drawing a blank, she was pretty sure she would know who the four were, after all her and her twin, Quicksilver, did serve on two teams together and were rarely apart in their younger days. 'Maybe he encountered them after joining X-Factor,' her mind reasoned but that still didn't explain why she was drawing a blank on them, not with how the media tended to follow X-Factor around the way they did.   
  
"Nah really... its bloody embarrassing," Rahne said with a tired sign, "those gits... are.... we're not sure what they are really they just showed up one day claiming ta be our 'greatest enemies'. After tha' things just got weird... oh they attacked us an' there was a fight all right. But it rapidly deteriorated inta a bizarre murder/suicide - the whole experience was verra confusing. Ta this day we're still nah sure if it was all a joke or something."  
  
"Ah huh," Wanda said sharing a confused look with Crystal the two turning back to the young werewolf with questions in their eyes, "care to enlighten us?"  
  
"Ahhh do I have ta?" Rahne groaned giving the two a pleading look that made them both even more determined to learn the whole story.  
  
Seeing the look Rahne signed again, "all right, I see ya two arena going to leave me be," she said more to herself then the two beside her, "ta start off... the fellow up in the left corner is Charlie "Chiron" Moore - a real sick little psycho that actually made Manson seem sane. He grew up wit' Guido and DIDNA like mutants... he was also into killing animals and black magic... never a good sign. He made a deal wit' a demon fer power an' was suppose ta make a sacrifice - X-Factor got volunteered ta be the sacrifice." She added dryly. "He was given these three twits ta help him carry out the sacrifice."  
  
"Okay... we're with you so far," Crystal said making a slight face unsure why having such a sick and apparent nut case would for an enemy would be embarrassing. She was pretty sure X-Factor should be proud to have stopped such a sick individual from hurting anymore innocent people and wildlife.   
  
"The fellow ta the right of Charlie there is Carnivore... a mutant lizard," the werewolf went on in a resolved tone, "according ta Shield he is the cousin of the other two - who'll I get ta in a mo," she said. "He also was suffering from delusions of wha' Jamie likes ta call: "Magneto-hood"... he wanted ta take over the world."  
  
Wanda made a slight sound at that like she was trying not to laugh but let Rahne continue.  
  
"As near as we ken figure, he left his hideout one day... ta start his 'reign of terror' on the unsuspecting world," Rahne said rolling her eyes a bit not believing she was actually telling anyone outside of X-Factor the whole sorted story involving their 'greatest enemies' or the 'Brain-dead Four' as she privately liked to refer to them as. "When he stepped out inta the street and got hit by a semi." She deadpanned, holding her arms behind her back and focusing her eyes on the monitor and not on her two friends.  
  
"A Semi?" Wanda questioned after a moment both eyebrows raised in disbelief, "That had to hurt."  
  
"Aye... we thought so too... made a real interesting stain on the semi's front grill... Guido and Jamie still have copies of the police photos." She agreed before moving on, "Now under the 'roadkill-lizard' there, is one Professor Vic Chalker... inventor and mutant hater... apparently Vic and his brother hated their cousin the 'super villain'," she explained pulling one hand from behind her back and making a motion with one finger at the screen. "He built himself a power suit - kind of like the one Iron Man has... and... ... starved ta death after putting the bloody thing on.... he locked himself in it - when he forget to build in a helmet release."  
  
"Ah huh," Wanda replied wide eyed one hand covering her mouth to suppress laughter, apart of her firmly stating that starving to death was a terrible way to die and was most definitely not funny. But the rest of her refused to believe what her mind was telling her.  
  
"An, last we come ta the 'Number One Fan' and failed Bozo impersonator," Rahne said in a dry tone, "from what the authorities have been able ta gather he worshipped his brother and... apparently had the brain consistency of wet burlap." She said, "Somehow he convinced himself that in order to avenge his brother's death and destroy all mutant kind was to replace his hands with ceiling fans... or they were propellers - there is still some debt within X-Factor on exactly wha' they were suppose ta be." She continued her voice catching a bit as she went on, "anyway... he puts the ceiling fans on... in a room wit' nah windows... and the door.... well it is like our doors - you know they slides open... only it didna have any sensors on them like our's do. But there was a button.... .... flush wit' the wall." She finally turned to the two her eyes shining with mirth. "Only... he couldna open the door...."  
  
"Because of the propellers on his hands?" Crystal finished wondering where this was going, nodding absently.  
  
"Aye... exactly," Rahne got out, "so... as near as the investigators ken figure... he did one of those 'duh' moves," she said making a motion with her hand, palm up toward her own forehead, "and.... decapitated himself."  
  
Wanda and Crystal stood there dumb founded for a long moment before looking at each other and breaking out in laughter tears running down their faces as they pictured the carnage the three somehow managed to wreck upon themselves.  
  
"So," Crystal finally asked, wiping at her eyes with one hand trying to sober up a bit, "whatever… happened to these four?" She got suppressing another round of laughter.  
  
"Well, "Rahne began pausing for a moment as she gathered herself before continuing, "Carnivore… died fer the second time… after he… ah… BIT Jamie." She said, her head cocked to the side in thought, "ta get him ta let go… Jamie… ah… 'doped' himself." She finished referring to Jamie's mutant powers to create duplicates of himself. "Only… the dope… APPEARED inside of Carnivore's mouth…. it was verra messy with his head… exploding… like that."  
  
"Oh Goddess," Wanda got out, leaning against the control panel for support, "and… I'm almost afraid to ask this… but… ah… what happened to the rest of them?"  
  
"Well… Vic somehow managed ta laser his brother in half," Rahne reported somehow keeping her composure and continuing on with the tale that even by X-Factor standards fell well into the 'HUH?' category on strange happenings on missions and in battles. "Which… oddly enough Pietro thought wasna punishment enough… he felt tha' the #1 Fan needed ta be drawn and quartered," She added dryly.   
  
Wanda just shook her head unable to talk as she leaned heavily against the control panel having pulled out the console's chair and set down before she fell down from laughing so hard.   
  
"Polaris… took out Vic… it seems that nah only did he forget ta put in a helmet release - but he… ah… neglected to make his suit out of non-magnetic material. Apparently he never thought he was going ta face Lorna or Magneto… or even a mutant that knew how ta operate a giant magnet for that matter… it would have been rather sad actually," Rahne continued ignoring the two laughing Avengers for the most part and focusing on her story, "if we actually cared… and they had not blown in the outer wall of the dining room ta get our attention in the first place."  
  
"An… and Chiron?" Crystal asked her shoulders shaking with laughter as she fought to stay in control and hear the climax to the battle. She could easily see why her husband, Quicksilver, never mentioned it before, it really was that embarrassing especially considering some of the villains the various members of X-Factor had faced in the past on different teams.  
  
"Wait for it," Wanda cautioned regaining a bit of self-control to hear the ending, if only to be able to ask her twin about it in more detail later, preferably around their father. As much as she loved her twin, sometimes he just needed to be taken down a peg or two just to remind him that he was still human.  
  
"Oh him," Rahne said smiling a bit for the first time since recounting the whole rather bizarre incident, "well… the demon tha' gave him his powers in the first place showed up wantin' his souls. But since we werena dead… the demon was rather 'irritated' at ol' Charlie… so he arranged a family reunion fer the little git. It seems that Charlie was tryin' ta pull a 'dark knight' on the world. He believed his parents were murdered by a mutant in the first place… that led him down his little revenge path that led him ta black magic… that ultimately led him ta leading a raid on X-Factor Headquarters and destroying our dining room. In fact his parents were… well his mum was a 'lady of the evening' and his father was her… pimp. The demon tossed him right inta the pit ta be wit' them fer all eternity," Rahne got out before dissolving into laughter herself.  
  
End Snippet:  
  
Please note - most of the above was written from memory and I can't recall how Vic brought it the second time. So if I got it wrong someone let me know and I'll correct it by the time the X-Factor series with Rahne in it comes out. :: insert wicked grin here :: Gods I love messing with people's minds. 


End file.
